In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
