i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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