I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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