worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
