I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
