question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
