I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
you will always have a special place in my vag
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
