It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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