Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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