I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
