I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
