Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
