My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
