I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
