The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
