come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Life is so much better after having sex.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
