We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
