if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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