I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I touched a dick in church today
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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