Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
