I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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