...so i touched it.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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