sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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