If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
there was a trapeze. enough said
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
