eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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