You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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