So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
