Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
