Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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