i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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