don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
