Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
