he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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