Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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