"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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