READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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