Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
