this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
