I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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