I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
