Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
