took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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