I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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