you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
