I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
