Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
whose parrot is this?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
