He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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