i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
