My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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