I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
