Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Randomize
