I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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