I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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