Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
