I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
