sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Is it because I queefed?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
