god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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