i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
